letter to Nellie

Dear Nellie,

I’ve been wanting to write for a long time. Since before the glass unicorn lost its horn.

I know you still love me, even if you love being away from me more. I am ok with that. Finally, I can admit that to myself. But you should admit it, also – you still love me like the ocean loves the shore. … Oh, wait, I said that before, about someone else.

Sorry, I’ve had a bit to drink.

I am enclosing a picture of my ass for you to remember me by. I leave it to you to decipher exactly in what way I want you to remember me.

We had such a good time in Bali, with the tourist dogs and the hot car vendors. I know I have apologized before for this, but I’ll say it again – I’m sorry for spending all our American Express Travelers Cheques on whores.

And I’m sorry about the gonwhorea. Gonnereaaaa Goner eeee ya

You get it. Ooops. You GOT it… hhhhaaaa

Nellie, I love you like the sun loves the ground. Take that as vulgar as you wish.

I finally found something to do with the old Cordoba, by the way. I decided the best plan was to drive it to Wendy’s parking lot and set it on fire.

I’m still wondering what went wrong. Was it something I said? I know it bothered you when we spent that weekend in Panama, when I took your clothes and forced you to make your way up to the 5th floor of the hotel from the pool. But you always had such good humour. And I didn’t know those boys would be playing in the hallway.

How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?

The best part of being alone, I’ve discovered, is I can fart as much as I want.

The worst part of being alone is having to put up with my own stench.

So, when ARE you coming back? It’s been eight years – that should be enough to get it out of your system. You can forgive me, right? I have another vacation planned out, by the way. I think we should go white-water rafting. I’ve heard it’s absolutely fucking fantastically scary and dangerous. So it might entice you. There’s a chance I could die… Tempted? Hehehee

I’d say the dog misses you but there’s no dog.

But I miss you.

Please let me know.

Love, always, forever, and endless oral gratitude,



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